interview with Fritz Imhoff
4th February 2006 is
What phases are in the common life of a couple?
Wilf: We are three essential distinctions. beat
First, the phase of being in love, which helps us a bridge to a completely different and alien creature ever to be able to.
Then the phase of the dis-illusion, where we begin the idealized counterpart in a more realistic light to see. learned
And third, the stage of mature love, where the search is not good feelings to the fore, but respect and respect shape our common path, and a person who to give to the owner's spouse.
What elements (including experiences and decisions) in the first phase are critical to the next?
Wilf: is crucial for the first phase of emotional development (we call it the heart level, see chart) pay enough attention. Today there is often the sexual relationship (physical layer) at the very beginning of the relationship, and this is hampering the development of closeness and intimacy in general. For young couples, there is the risk that they try to compensate for lack of heart around with erotic putty. So you can at least feel pretend to intimacy. At some point the lie is flying but ...
What is the secret to a long-term couple relationship?
Christa: It is very difficult to enumerate the factors of success of a marriage. Relations are too complex. Although one can not really say what keeps them together, so we know quite well what brings marriages apart. There is grumbling devaluation, and degrading criticism. This in particular is a common development in the stage of dis-illusion.
Wilf: For this problem, we have a good cartoon. Since Mrs. Frosch said to Mr. Frosch: "When I kissed you, I thought you would you turn into a prince and not me into a frog ...!"
Christa: A research has shown that couples in a long-standing good relations have been de-spite deception and unfulfilled expectations, the respect for each other and a good pinch of idealization preserved. Specifically, he might say, for example: "Your lack of orderliness bugs me though capable, but her smile I think just still so adorable." Or, "brings his tardiness me crazy, but he's just won a man to whom I I can leave. "
What are the typical pitfalls of a couple's relationship?
Wilf: The largest of the numerous traps is probably the lack of appreciation of diversity. An example. Love to see even the most difference as great addition. At some point, then "the quiet water" no longer attractive, but also begins to grow tiresome. "I must pull out everything from the nose. You never tell me what moves you, etc. ... "The logical response is not long in coming:" If you press me so, I pull myself back up "
Christa: spouses often start then, the personality-related and thus natural reaction of the partner's as malicious and to do against him, and they will respond accordingly. They try to pressure "their right" to enforce, and thus want to force change. Good will and acceptance, are often out of respect, to the position. And no one is changing under pressure, for the better ...
Wilf: A second case, the frequent power struggles. Many couples go there just about to be right. Based on my own logic and perception but I have almost always right. It is therefore in every conflict situation, two realities. We must learn to respect the feelings and reactions of others, and to understand the feelings or reasoning behind them. I must not agree be, but I may not want to fight.
Christa: It is often then yes, the power struggle being played out even in the bedroom, and blocks the relationship even more. For several years, we therefore also central theme in our seminars on the topic of sexuality intransigence and hidden aggression clearly as a great intimacy killer. Each couple has conflict and you hurt all the time. Couples therefore need a culture of reconciliation, and this is our view be learned!
change how work and career the relationship?
Chris: Basically, we see as no big problem. The career development may perhaps lead to a pair of runs increasingly on separate tracks, and remove the points of contact. There are problems but usually only with the children, or, paradoxically, in the long term fertility problems.
How children change the relationship?
Christa: The phase of small children for most relationships a pretty big challenge. We simply have less time for the faithful together. Often suffers from the sexual encounter. The mother discovered perhaps their emotional needs a little way from the children and the husband also experienced this as competition. Now, if already held a degree of alienation, there can be serious problems.
Wilf: Often this is yet another problem. Many mothers of young children by running a so-called exhaustion depression. This has multiple causes, often leads to dissatisfaction, feelings of failure, isolation, etc. The man would have to relieve now be able to, but projecting more women with negative feelings on the couple relationship, make her husband allegations, and instead it more closely, it becomes increasingly more excluded from the family. The mother binds more to their children, although this is indeed loaded. And the father of his hand, withdraws from the relationship back and focus on his career. So a real vicious circle.
Christa: We believe that these mechanisms also explain why divorce is now in the sixth year of marriage the most.
Wilf: Good explanation of these phenomena by family physicians, pediatricians, counselors and therapists could perhaps save a few relationships.
What makes a happy couple's relationship in old age. How can you prepare?
Wilf, Who accepts problems in the relationship as normal and a lifetime of repeated investments in the marriage, has good conditions for a happy couple's relationship in old age. We recommend to young couples very openly share with others about their relationship difficulties, and must establish a mentor relationship. This relieves some conflicts, we can qualify some difficulties quickly and remembers, perhaps, that one simply does not "next" is.
Biography:
Christa and Dr. Wilf Gasser married for 23, 3 children.
Both employees are in the church's lay movement Vineyard Bern. They hold regular seminars on "Growing intimacy in marriage - way to a fulfilling sexuality" and are part-time working as a sex therapist. Wilf is Vice President of Switzerland. Evangelical Alliance, President of the Men's Forum, German Switzerland, and the EPP in the Parliament of the Canton of Bern.
Christa guides in the area of the Vineyard Bern IN with the departments of Family Life Center, Children / Teen / Youth, consulting, training. The Vineyard Bern attaches great importance to the interaction between the generations and sustainable, committed relationships. The children's programs are not focused on age groups, but on age-mixed family groups. The older children while their gifts out in accordance with the responsibility inside.
info: www.intimitaet-sexualitaet.ch or www.vineyard-bern.ch
0 comments:
Post a Comment